#sp apologies if theres any misspellings

[wanna-be-bold]

All He'll Ever Be

For @mashmaiden

Failed. He failed. The words kept repeating in his mind as he gripped the wheel tighter. He was glad he had talked to Kensi before getting the news because, whether with his words or his tone, there was no way he would have been able to keep that from her. He was already dreading that conversation, no need to have it any sooner. 

Suddenly the voice in his head changed from that of his trainer to that of his dad and he was no longer the almost 40 year old former lawyer and LAPD detective but a 4 year old little boy who had accidentally broken a glass and cowered in a corner as his dad yelled at him about how much of a failure he was. 

He hadn't realized he was crying until he ran a hand over his face in frustration and pulled it away with a wetness to it. With a sigh he pulled off the interstate. He had promised himself that he was never going to feel this way again which is why he worked so hard to get into law school and then the police academy. He wanted to do better. Be better. Prove to himself and those around him that he wasn't a failure like his dad said. 

But looking into the mirror he knew that wasn't the case. He had failed at the one thing he should've succeeded at. Looking into the mirror he said an apology to the 4 year old looking back at him before closing it up and putting the car back in drive. 

In 6 hours he would be facing the people he cared about most and he needed to prepare himself for their disappointment. 

Because Martin Atticus Deeks was a failure. And it seemed that's all he would ever be.